A WARNING TO MY ELDER FAMILY MEMBERS AND EX BOYFRIENDS... YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS :) THERE'S MORE INFO THAN I KNOW YOU'D BE COMFORTABLE WITH READING.
YE HATH BEEN WARNED.
I'm not
really sure what to think of myself. I'm thinking there must be something terribly,
terribly wrong with me. I was in a relationship for over 6 years with the same
man (who we shall call Hikerboy), who tells me for 7 years (as long as I've known him) that he never wants
to get married or have children. This, I tell myself, will change. He will
change his mind as he gets older and we will grow old together after having a
dozen babies and having a fabulous wedding (small, destination, private and
beautiful). Anywho… I try to convince Hikerboy that he does, in fact, want to get
married. But he really does NOT. I somehow convinced him (somehow....) to take a 6 month hike on the
Appalachian Trail because if he doesn't do it now he never will, because in a
few years we're going to be married with children and he sure as hell ain't
leaving me barefoot and pregnant (or whatever) to go take a hike! because I
know he needs this, after he's finally graduated from UMass. So he goes and
I've decided that it's not worth it anymore; no, I'm not moving to FL like we
planned to after his hike was complete because I don't want to be with somebody
who doesn't want the same future. I'm over it. Well... he changes his mind
while he's hiking and actually starts to see himself with children/a wife/blah
blah blah... what do I do? I give him an ultimatum. Massachusetts or bust. I dumped him. I scrammed. Actually.. he scrammed. He
moved to Florida and I stayed behind in MA because I just couldn't leave my
family. It wasn't worth it. I've spent 6 years fighting for "us"...
when really I was fighting for him to be happy and not myself. Letting him be selfish because I could let him be. I was in it for him. He was in it for him. Who was there for "us"? He was my best friend and I am pretty sure I was his, too.
Who knows? I felt like I didn't know him after his hike was over... he stopped
by my apartment to pick up some things, gave me a hug and took off. Didn't even
stop to see his mother on the Cape before driving off to FL with his dad.
Didn't so much as turn his head as he walked away from me, standing there with
my arms outstretched, crying softly to his back until he walked out of my view. And then I threw things. I threw my phone (my only contact with him for most of our stupid relationship); some stuff about which he said, "No, you keep it"; pillows; shoes. You get it. Stuff about which I no longer gave a shit.
So I moved on. I literally moved. I lose my job, my boyfriend, my apartment. I found out my grandmother had cancer and had two months to live (she lived for years after, but I didn't know this at the time), and that my brother was popping pills and possibly using heroin.... I moved back to my mother's, which was a 1 bedroom apartment not so well equipped for me, my 4 guinea pigs and new kitten Moose. Don't worry, Moose very quickly found a new home...my mother let him outside and he never came back. I dreamt about Moose for months and months after his disappearance. He was an indoor cat... I couldn't afford the "outdoor cat" shots and such, and wanted to keep him inside til I could get him fixed and properly prepared for a life in the rugged outdoors. Then my mother let him outside. That bitch. One might say I'm a little bitter about the whole thing.
I'll skip over some of the men I "dated" post-Hikerboy, who I had the very unfortunate experience of meeting online.. Nobody worth mentioning. Except maybe the high school english teacher who blew me off around Christmastime, just after I blew him. We got along great, slept together a handful of times, then I never heard from him again when on the last night together, I had my period and suggested "other things" (ie: not sex). Weird... I can't be THAT bad at any of the above. He's an idiot. :)
ANYWHO, an old colleague from the job I had just lost (we shall call him Smokey) asked me if I'd accompany him on a few dates over a weekend: three Christmas parties. Who likes to go to these things alone? I say sure, I'll go knowing that Smokey just recently divorced and probably doesn’t want to face these people solo. I was totally surprised to have received the invitation because I honestly thought this guy hated me.. I mean, with a passion. BOY was I wrong. He apparently had had the hots for me since we met... aka: his interview, aka: the time I interviewed him for his latest job… aka: the job I was fired from. Wow. That was a surprise! We end up sleeping together and I go back out to visit the next weekend... Smokey takes me and his two daughters (that's right. They were 3 and 6 at the time, from his recent divorce from a lesbian. Oh, did I not mention that? I find these situations perplexing.) to see some Christmas lights put on by the city I just moved from... a solid 2.5 hrs drive away. It was beautiful. I go out a third time, a fourth time... I go out there every weekend for almost three months. We hit it off really well, ya might say. Then he starts acting funny one weekend. I think it was the weekend before or of Valentine's Day -- I sent him a PantyGram, which was a totally hilarious, low pressure gift IMHO.. I didn't get anything from him. Not even a fucking heart-shaped lollipop or a card that he had his 3yr old make.. Nope. Nothing. I don't say anything. I'm hurt, but decide not to be because it's a stupid high-pressure holiday and we never talked about it anyway. I don't know why but I always get pissed off thinking: "This guy is into me. I'll at least get a card." even though I really do think the holiday SUCKS -- I probably only think so because every time it rolls around my boyfriend at the time never recognizes it and that pisses me off because they never tell me how they feel or that they love me. Oh, I think I just had an epiphany! Hmm.. Another story for another day...
The next two or three weekends, I'm not really sure how much longer we dated after that, he was acting all weird and it started pissing me off. So I started acting weird, too. He pulled me onto his lap one night after asking ME what was wrong (I had been asking him for weeks), and he said "I don't want to do this anymore. I have to just say it. This is really hard for me, I don't know how to do this...." and he dumped me. His reason? He didn't want to hold me back from having everything that I wanted and deserved out of life (ie: marriage, children). He said he had been there, done that, wasn't sure if he could/wanted to do it all again and didn't want to put that pressure on me/have that pressure on him. I understood, but was devastated. Even more so than when Hikerboy and I broke up. I felt used this time. Another one bites the dust!
So I moved on. I literally moved. I lose my job, my boyfriend, my apartment. I found out my grandmother had cancer and had two months to live (she lived for years after, but I didn't know this at the time), and that my brother was popping pills and possibly using heroin.... I moved back to my mother's, which was a 1 bedroom apartment not so well equipped for me, my 4 guinea pigs and new kitten Moose. Don't worry, Moose very quickly found a new home...my mother let him outside and he never came back. I dreamt about Moose for months and months after his disappearance. He was an indoor cat... I couldn't afford the "outdoor cat" shots and such, and wanted to keep him inside til I could get him fixed and properly prepared for a life in the rugged outdoors. Then my mother let him outside. That bitch. One might say I'm a little bitter about the whole thing.
I'll skip over some of the men I "dated" post-Hikerboy, who I had the very unfortunate experience of meeting online.. Nobody worth mentioning. Except maybe the high school english teacher who blew me off around Christmastime, just after I blew him. We got along great, slept together a handful of times, then I never heard from him again when on the last night together, I had my period and suggested "other things" (ie: not sex). Weird... I can't be THAT bad at any of the above. He's an idiot. :)
ANYWHO, an old colleague from the job I had just lost (we shall call him Smokey) asked me if I'd accompany him on a few dates over a weekend: three Christmas parties. Who likes to go to these things alone? I say sure, I'll go knowing that Smokey just recently divorced and probably doesn’t want to face these people solo. I was totally surprised to have received the invitation because I honestly thought this guy hated me.. I mean, with a passion. BOY was I wrong. He apparently had had the hots for me since we met... aka: his interview, aka: the time I interviewed him for his latest job… aka: the job I was fired from. Wow. That was a surprise! We end up sleeping together and I go back out to visit the next weekend... Smokey takes me and his two daughters (that's right. They were 3 and 6 at the time, from his recent divorce from a lesbian. Oh, did I not mention that? I find these situations perplexing.) to see some Christmas lights put on by the city I just moved from... a solid 2.5 hrs drive away. It was beautiful. I go out a third time, a fourth time... I go out there every weekend for almost three months. We hit it off really well, ya might say. Then he starts acting funny one weekend. I think it was the weekend before or of Valentine's Day -- I sent him a PantyGram, which was a totally hilarious, low pressure gift IMHO.. I didn't get anything from him. Not even a fucking heart-shaped lollipop or a card that he had his 3yr old make.. Nope. Nothing. I don't say anything. I'm hurt, but decide not to be because it's a stupid high-pressure holiday and we never talked about it anyway. I don't know why but I always get pissed off thinking: "This guy is into me. I'll at least get a card." even though I really do think the holiday SUCKS -- I probably only think so because every time it rolls around my boyfriend at the time never recognizes it and that pisses me off because they never tell me how they feel or that they love me. Oh, I think I just had an epiphany! Hmm.. Another story for another day...
The next two or three weekends, I'm not really sure how much longer we dated after that, he was acting all weird and it started pissing me off. So I started acting weird, too. He pulled me onto his lap one night after asking ME what was wrong (I had been asking him for weeks), and he said "I don't want to do this anymore. I have to just say it. This is really hard for me, I don't know how to do this...." and he dumped me. His reason? He didn't want to hold me back from having everything that I wanted and deserved out of life (ie: marriage, children). He said he had been there, done that, wasn't sure if he could/wanted to do it all again and didn't want to put that pressure on me/have that pressure on him. I understood, but was devastated. Even more so than when Hikerboy and I broke up. I felt used this time. Another one bites the dust!
After having shut my profile
down for months because I was with Smokey, I turned it back on.. I started
talking to The Planner on Easter Sunday when I was in-between family
gatherings at two different aunt’s houses. I had the oh-my-god-I’m-the-only-single-woman-here
(aside from my 2yr old cousin and 1yr old niece) blues, so I opened up OKC and started browsing the men. I came across one who I had started writing to once before and decided against it. So I work up the nerve to write to him and we chat, me and this guy, who is a 97% match to my profile. We hit it
off. I can't wait to meet him....
So, to make things complicated, if they weren't already: Smokey’s ex-wife’s awesome cousin and her boyfriend Beardo (who we used to hang out with often), want to set me up with the Beardo's roommate, who is a very sweet, funny Roofer Guy. I'm pretty sure they I am hesitant because I totally fell for Smokey way too quickly and was burned, as I have been repeatedly burned over the last few months… dare I say years? So I say sure, I’ll meet him, but it’s got to be low-pressure. Just drinks, maybe a movie. Well, I end up sleeping over Roofer Guy’s apartment… then Beardo and girl go back to her place to give us some privacy I suppose. I’m glad they did, because RG and I got along great. *ahem* Puts a lady first and foremost, and made sure I was happy, not once, not twice, but countless times before he had his own way with me. Oh, I was in Heaven. He made me breakfast, too J Oh, I love a man that can, and is so willing, to cook!!!! I ate eggs in his bed. I just couldn't stop smiling to myself. Maybe this was what I've been looking for?
So, to make things complicated, if they weren't already: Smokey’s ex-wife’s awesome cousin and her boyfriend Beardo (who we used to hang out with often), want to set me up with the Beardo's roommate, who is a very sweet, funny Roofer Guy. I'm pretty sure they I am hesitant because I totally fell for Smokey way too quickly and was burned, as I have been repeatedly burned over the last few months… dare I say years? So I say sure, I’ll meet him, but it’s got to be low-pressure. Just drinks, maybe a movie. Well, I end up sleeping over Roofer Guy’s apartment… then Beardo and girl go back to her place to give us some privacy I suppose. I’m glad they did, because RG and I got along great. *ahem* Puts a lady first and foremost, and made sure I was happy, not once, not twice, but countless times before he had his own way with me. Oh, I was in Heaven. He made me breakfast, too J Oh, I love a man that can, and is so willing, to cook!!!! I ate eggs in his bed. I just couldn't stop smiling to myself. Maybe this was what I've been looking for?
This has
been going on for two months. I really like Roofer Guy: so incredibly
sweet, funny, dorky, hard-working, dedicated, passionate, gentleman, doting and
sexy as all hell. And The Planner: sensitive, we get along like white on
rice, very forward, not hard-working but makes good money and has a great job,
wants to be married with lots of children, talks about our future together…. OK
so I think The Planner might be gay. He talks way too much about how pretty I am, the
outfits I wear, that he wants to take me shoe shopping, and he wears women’s
perfume. He also doesn’t eat vegetables or fruits. Not that that makes him gay,
but I live off that shit. I mean… who DOESN’T live off that shit? Isn’t it
vital to our organs and bodily function?? I really wish I didn’t think this,
because our time together is pretty great. HOWEVER, he is moving way too fast
for me and I need to slow the fuck down. Been burned too many times and it’s
making me nervous. I think RG is the way to go.
So now I
must decide how to break it off with a guy who finally wants everything I want out of life... IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME??! Oh, right, he's gay. I almost forgot. HAHAHAHAHA
Oh dear, sweet Lord, if I didn't laugh about this I'd be up on the bridge.
It is now March 11, 2014: RG and I have been together since last April. I did break it off with the perfume-wearing Planner, much to his dismay. I told him he was moving too fast for me, then he called me the next day and said that I wasn't spending enough time with him ?! I mean... come on. I wasn't even hinting at this point, I was completely honest and forward - NOT like me, by the way. He pushed me to that point. Ah, well. After telling him that I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other anymore, he convinced me to still go on one last date. I called him the day before said date and said I really didn't want to see him again and didn't know how else to make that clear.. after hearing about the recent engagement of one of my good friends, I wanted to celebrate with her instead of spending the time with him (umm.. hello?! obviously if I want to spend time with my friends over a new beau, that's a problem anyway)... I also wanted to spend the weekend with RG :) It worked out great, the timing was perfect, and I'm now head over heels and feel loved and appreciated right back. I've never really felt appreciated in a relationship before. And although we still haven't told one another that we love each other, the feeling is present and growing. I'm honestly happy and couldn't ask for a better man to share my time with.
Oh dear, sweet Lord, if I didn't laugh about this I'd be up on the bridge.
It is now March 11, 2014: RG and I have been together since last April. I did break it off with the perfume-wearing Planner, much to his dismay. I told him he was moving too fast for me, then he called me the next day and said that I wasn't spending enough time with him ?! I mean... come on. I wasn't even hinting at this point, I was completely honest and forward - NOT like me, by the way. He pushed me to that point. Ah, well. After telling him that I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other anymore, he convinced me to still go on one last date. I called him the day before said date and said I really didn't want to see him again and didn't know how else to make that clear.. after hearing about the recent engagement of one of my good friends, I wanted to celebrate with her instead of spending the time with him (umm.. hello?! obviously if I want to spend time with my friends over a new beau, that's a problem anyway)... I also wanted to spend the weekend with RG :) It worked out great, the timing was perfect, and I'm now head over heels and feel loved and appreciated right back. I've never really felt appreciated in a relationship before. And although we still haven't told one another that we love each other, the feeling is present and growing. I'm honestly happy and couldn't ask for a better man to share my time with.
